Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #57: Swampland in Florida

Hector: “Jim and Darrell got married last night.”

Zane: “They did?”

“Yep.  Just read about it on Jim’s Twitter page.”

“Did he say why they got married?”

“Yeah.  ‘Might as well.’  His exact words.”

“Makes sense.”

“They got married in Vegas.  By an Elvis impersonator, in a white jumpsuit and everything.”

“Was he fat?”

“More like slightly chunky, based on the photos.”

“Maybe he skipped breakfast that day.”  Pause.  “Does Terrence know?  About the wedding?”

“I hope so.”  High, whiny voice: “Awww, now they’ll never reach their heterosexual potential!”

Similar voice: “But I can still sell them swampland in Florida!”

 

Copyright © 2019 by David V. Matthews

May 14, 2019

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Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #56: Civic

Patch the Punk’s twenty-year-old Honda Civic finally conked out, and the repair bill totaled $1,729.47.  He had to borrow the money from his father, who expected him to pay back every penny with interest.  Sure.  Patch vows to leave town for good, maybe move to the West Coast and start his dream job: product tester at a marijuana dispensary, nyuk nyuk nyuk.

Yuck.  He can’t even afford cough syrup from the dollar store, much less enough gas to drive around the block.  But if he liked country music, he would probably still live in poverty.  And have much worse taste.

Copyright © 2019 by David V. Matthews

It Nearly Killed Him!

Three boys sit together during lunch, in the cafetorium (combination cafeteria and auditorium) at Center Township Elementary School, Monaca, PA, Wednesday, October 28, 1975:

Douglas: “Here’s a good joke.  So this kid named Johnny goes home and says, he says, uh, ‘Mom!  Mom!  I was walking past the Giant Eagle, just minding my own business,’ he says, ‘just minding my business, when I saw this kid get hit by a car, on the butt!’  Ha ha.  And the kid’s mom, uh, Johnny’s mom?  Yeah, Johnny’s mom says, she says ‘No, Johnny—rectum.’  And Johnny, ha ha. Johnny says ‘Rectum?  It nearly killed him!’  Ha ha ha!”

No one else laughs.

Tommy: “Man, you suck at tellin’ jokes!”

Douglas: “I thought I did a good job.”

Tommy: “Then you’re a fag.  Who cares about all that Giant Eagle stuff?  Get to the point: ‘Mom!  I saw a kid get hit by a car, on the butt!’  No, say ‘ass’ instead—that’s funnier.”

Douglas: “My mom won’t let me swear.”

Tommy: “Then you’ll never be funny.”

Ricky: “Doug-ass.”

Douglas: “Shut up, fatso.”

Ricky: “Say ‘ass,’ Doug-ass.”

Douglas: “Shut up.”

Tommy: “Say ‘ass,’ or you’re a fag and you can’t sit here no more.”

Douglas says nothing.

Tommy: “Say it.  Say ‘ass.’ ”

Ricky: “Say it, fag.”

Tommy: “His mommy won’t let him.”

Ricky: “She’s a fag.”

Douglas, very loudly: “Ass!  Ass!  Ass!  Ass!”  Background conversation stops.  “ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS SHIT!”

Applause and cheers from the other students, including Tommy.  A teacher, Mr. Mullen, walks toward the table.

Mr. Mullen, to the cafetorium: “All right, everyone, knock it off.”  To Douglas: “Could you come with me, young man?”

Douglas, trying not to look frightened: “No!  You’re a FAG!”

Mr. Mullen grabs Douglas by the arm.

Douglas, as the teacher drags him away: “SHIT!  SHIT SHIT SHIT!”

The other students watch them leave the cafetorium.

Tommy: “What a loser.”

Ricky: “Yeah.  He coulda said ‘balls,’ too.”

Copyright © 2019 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #55: Omar’s O-Face

My favorite website, Pornhole, has gone too far this time.  Their newest video, Omar’s O-Face, features an Ilhan Omar lookalike (complete with hijab) getting gangbanged by a bunch of Israelis.  I thought I’d find the video unintentionally funny, but the anti-Muslim and anti-Semitic content made me drink not one but two bottles of Neckbeard, that artisanal lager aimed at Millennials (and at Gen-Xers like me who try to fuck Millennials).  By watching this crap, do I collaborate with the Trumpists, or do I demonstrate my cultural iconoclasm, or both?  Should I even return to that halcyon age of apolitical vegetating?

Copyright © 2019 by David V. Matthews

revised April 24, 2019