Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #34: A Little Rowdy

I’ve worked as an administrative assistant for the past four years at a maximum-security facility for men.  I handle fingerprint cards, DNA samples, photo line-up requests, office supply requisitions, stuff like that.  At first I felt nervous there as a middle-aged woman, but as it turned out, I have no contact with the inmates, and the guards are nice, though they can get a little rowdy sometimes.  My husband thinks working there has made me stronger emotionally.  Maybe.  Physically, I still couldn’t kick a thug’s ass—not for fun, just to improve his behavior.  Okay, maybe if he’s smaller than me.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

updated May 7, 2018



Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #33: Mental Equilibrium

Not long ago, Ms. Greenberg stopped pitying her coworker Mrs. Breyers for liking high school.  Mrs. Breyers—class of ’89—kept in contact with her classmates, ran the alumni Facebook page, and attended every reunion; she even displayed her diploma on her office wall.  Her husband, the school quarterback, still wore his letterman jacket, most recently to the company’s Patriot Day (September 11) banquet.  Ms. Greenberg—class of ’92—had always valued moving ahead but now thought that connections to a halcyon era before adult responsibilities could help maintain mental equilibrium.  Plus Mrs. Breyers had an office, not a cubicle.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #32: r/DiarrheaCupcakes

Bored and not feeling like masturbating, I started a Reddit thread called r/DiarrheaCupcakes and monitored its progress.  Within seventy-one seconds, the first response: IMMIGRANTS SUCK!!!!!  After that, twenty-one responses in five minutes, going into explicit detail why immigrants (especially those from shithole countries) suck.  A few Pepe memes appeared, too.  Then, five seconds later, response #23: “You have a recipe for those cupcakes?  Do you add lots of peanuts and corn?”

I deleted the thread there; anything related to that number has cultural cachet, except for the Jim Carrey movie The Number 23, which sucks almost as much as racism.

Copyright © 2018 by David V, Matthews (who has just realized that 32 is 23 backwards–trippy!)

April 10, 2018