Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #39: Red Snoopy

Near downtown Pittsburgh’s annual furry convention (people who very much enjoy dressing up as anthropomorphic animals), a red Snoopy in a swashbuckler’s costume shouted “I love you, man!” as he approached me on the sidewalk.

I replied “My sixteen-year-old son got arrested for smoking pot yesterday, and I wouldn’t bail him out ’cause I thought a night in jail would teach him a lesson.  He’s in the hospital now, ’cause his cellmates beat the shit out of him, apparently just for fun.  Do you still love me, man?”

Snoopy leaned in for a hug.  “Please, I prefer Scooby-Doo,” I said.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

revised July 6, 2018  

 

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #38: Geographical Inconvenience

Having found out their health insurance didn’t cover their twelve-year-old’s eventual male-to-female, gender-confirmation surgery, Randall and Grace Yates, who had always considered themselves loyal Americans, now wondered, as they sat in their kitchen, if they should move to Canada, whose government covered that medical procedure, though to differing degrees in each province, causing long waitlists and geographical inconvenience.

“But at least we’d have something to wait for,” Randall said.

“Why don’t we fight for that something here?” Grace said.  She bit into her vegan, gluten-free chocolate brownie.

“And give up computer solitaire?”

Irony soothes.  So does chocolate.  Everyone needs soothing.

 

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

 

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #37: Samuel Adams Utopia

The green 2009 Corolla hydroplaned at forty MPH on the crummy state highway, almost ramming into Mr. Pal’s black 2018 Escalade.  As the Corolla swerved into the left lane, Mr. Pal thanked the god he worshipped, God.  Later that night, in his living room, Mr. Pal sipped his Samuel Adams Utopia (at $199, the most expensive bottle of beer he’d ever bought) and wondered, ’cause life’s so short, maybe he shouldn’t waste it hating that Jew at work, Ms. Greenberg, ’cause she’d received that promotion and he hadn’t.  Maybe she was better qualified.  He could admit he had some limitations.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #36: An Irritating Irredentist

Due to life’s transitory nature, Ms. Greenberg attempted not to waste time hating anyone she knew; however, she did somewhat loathe her coworker, the ironically-surnamed (in her opinion) Mr. Pal, whom she considered an irritating irredentist, someone who had for the past several years contended in a quasi-facetious, quasi-condemnatory manner that she had usurped the office space he by all rights deserved due to his seniority, his having worked there for eight years and ten months, one month more than she, making her feel at first like an interloper, until she (shallowly?) realized  his sartorial choices tended toward tight garishness.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #35: Cynosure

Never missing a chance to use one of the myriad vocabulary words she still retained from studying for the GRE over two decades ago, Ms. Greenberg, in her latest blog entry, called herself “the cynosure of the survey department, the most well-regarded telephonic inquisitor, the doyenne of data discovery”—a passage her male supervisor, in the gourmet break room the next morning, told her he’d disapprovingly found “a little narcissistic,” making her wonder if she should launch the hashtag Cynosure, since Twitter fame can allegedly have a salubrious (if fleeting, though fleetingness still has its advantages) effect on one’s career.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #34: A Little Rowdy

I’ve worked as an administrative assistant for the past four years at a maximum-security facility for men.  I handle fingerprint cards, DNA samples, photo line-up requests, office supply requisitions, stuff like that.  At first I felt nervous there as a middle-aged woman, but as it turned out, I have no contact with the inmates, and the guards are nice, though they can get a little rowdy sometimes.  My husband thinks working there has made me stronger emotionally.  Maybe.  Physically, I still couldn’t kick a thug’s ass—not for fun, just to improve his behavior.  Okay, maybe if he’s smaller than me.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

updated May 7, 2018

 

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #33: Mental Equilibrium

Not long ago, Ms. Greenberg stopped pitying her coworker Mrs. Breyers for liking high school.  Mrs. Breyers—class of ’89—kept in contact with her classmates, ran the alumni Facebook page, and attended every reunion; she even displayed her diploma on her office wall.  Her husband, the school quarterback, still wore his letterman jacket, most recently to the company’s Patriot Day (September 11) banquet.  Ms. Greenberg—class of ’92—had always valued moving ahead but now thought that connections to a halcyon era before adult responsibilities could help maintain mental equilibrium.  Plus Mrs. Breyers had an office, not a cubicle.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Your Best Flaw (Part 1)

My mother’s new boyfriend, Aldon, called himself a “Holocaust truther” a month ago, during my first and only meeting with him, the three of us midway through wine coolers at her house, before dinner.  She’d made Parmesan lamb chops.

“A Holocaust truther,” I said flatly, hoping he was kidding but knowing he wasn’t.

“Yes, you might as well know everything about my beliefs, considering how close I am to your mother.”

“Could we save this discussion for another time?” she asked.

“No, no, Ma, it’s okay,” I answered.  “I want to learn all I can about your beau.”

“Why not?  I have nothing to hide,” he said.

“Great.  So you don’t think the Holocaust happened.”

“You mean did the Nazis intentionally decide to exterminate all the Jews?”

“Or if six million Jews died in a freak fishing accident, either one.”

“How about neither one?  Some Jews did die, but nowhere near six million, a number plucked out of thin air decades ago by Zionists and their supporters.  The evidence points to maybe a few hundred at most, almost all of them executed for serious crimes such as treason and murder.  As a rule, according to German historical documents, the Nazis didn’t kill Jews simply for fun, despite what you might have learned from the movies.  And speaking of murdering Jews, a reputable scientist conducted a chemical analysis of the shower walls in the so-called death camp at Auschwitz and found not a trace of Zyklon-B, casting serious doubts, to say the least, on an important part of the Holocaust narrative.  He wrote a detailed report about his findings, with footnotes and everything.  I can send you a link to it.  And before you accuse me of bigotry: I don’t hate Jews, but I do love my Aryan background and hate when ignorant people slander it.”

I stared incredulously at my mother.  Growing up, I’d never heard her say anything bigoted.

“You agree with him about the Holocaust, Ma?” I asked.

“Well, I try to avoid topics like that,” she said.

“Do you agree?  Yes or no.”

“Let me put it this way: I don’t agree with everything he says, but he treats me like a queen.  And, I know how this sounds, but I like his sculpted profile.”

“Yes, I know exactly how it sounds,” I said.  “Because you lust after him, you can overlook his toxic ideology.  Does he call you Eva Braun in bed?”

My mother looked shocked.

“Let her insult me.  I’ve heard worse,” he said.  “In the meantime, my toxic ideology will keep getting more and more popular.  Responsible white people just can’t stand immigrant criminals and—”

“Fuck you,” I said.

“What a clever rebuttal.”

“Could we please dine without arguing?” my mother asked.

“No,” I said as I arose from my chair.  “Call me when you dump that Nazi asshole.  Otherwise, don’t call me at all.”

I walked out of her house.

 

Later, sitting alone at a table in some bar, sipping a cheap beer, a loud and slick country-rock song I’d never heard before blaring from the computer-screen jukebox, I regretted not taking a few Parmesan lamb chops with me.  Then I regretted not dating Bennett, that half-black guy I’d known in college.  Then I regretted my regret—damn white privilege.

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

March 15-16, 2018 

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #31: #DoryIsAFatass

In eighth grade, in 2018, Tasha the cheerleader tweeted a photo of me (of when I’d worn those hip, Nineties-style, acid-washed jeans) and #DoryIsAFatass to the whole school.  As a result, I got lots of support, and Tasha got suspended for three days.  When she returned, she told me “I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted,” I said.  We never spoke again.

After she graduated high school, she joined the Army and got her legs blown off in Afghanistan.

God needs to develop a sense of proportion.  Also, when will we get out of Afghanistan?  Does that make me a wimp for asking?

 

Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews

Flash Fiction (a Hundred Words or Fewer) #30: Headache

I married a headache that lasted twelve years.  It ended when I divorced him.  Nine years later, he never goes out.  Instead, he works from home and spends his free time watching downloads, either Hollywood oldies decades older than him or Second World War documentaries.  I suppose aging does that sometimes, makes you withdraw into a past you never experienced to help you avoid your disappointing present.  As for me, I have my pottery shop and my book club, though sometimes I myself feel like giving up—too many smart phones, not enough smart people.  Obviously, I’ve grown old too.

Copyright © 2018 David V. Matthews