October 1975, Conference Number Two:
Principal: “Mrs. Kazakis?”
Milo’s Mother: “That’s Ms. Henningsen.”
Milo: “My mom and dad got divorced.”
Principal: “All right, Milo. Please have a seat, both of you.” [Both of them sit down.] “So, I’ve spoken with Tommy regarding the incident. He says you did something to him, Milo.”
Milo’s Mother: “Did something? What did he allegedly do?”
Principal: “Maybe Milo could tell us. Did you do something to him, Milo?”
Milo: [No response.]
Milo’s Mother: “Cut the crap, Mrs. Goggins. What did Milo allegedly do to deserve getting beat up?”
Principal: “Well, Tommy says Milo grabbed him.”
Milo’s Mother: “Grabbed him?”
Principal: “Grabbed his—butt.”
Milo’s Mother: “Oh for Christ’s sake.”
Principal: “Did you grab his butt, Milo?”
Milo: “No. Why would I do that? He has a fat butt.”
[Tense pause.]
Milo’s Mother: “Milo!”
Principal: “And if he didn’t have a fat butt, would you grab it?”
Milo: [No response.]
Milo’s Mother: “I hope you don’t go around grabbing boys’ butts, Milo.”
Milo: “No!”
Milo’s Mother: “Or girls’ butts, for that matter.”
Milo: “I don’t grab any butts! I was just kidding!”
Principal: “You shouldn’t kid around about certain topics, Milo.”
Milo: “I didn’t grab his butt.”
Milo’s Mother: “All right, calm down.”
Principal: “I didn’t think he grabbed it. I talked with the eyewitnesses, his classmates, and they all said they hadn’t seen Milo do anything like that.”
Milo’s Mother: “They why the hell’d you call me here? I had to quit work early, and I need the money.”
Principal: “Standard procedure, Mrs.—I mean Ms. Henningsen.”
Milo: “My mom and dad got divorced.”
Principal: “You’ve said that already, Milo.”
Milo’s Mother: “He could say it a million times. I couldn’t stand being married to his father.”
Principal: “Well, I’m sure your dad has some good qualities, Milo.”
Milo: “Yes. He watches Spider-Man with me.”
Copyright © 2018 by David V. Matthews
DAVID V. MATTHEWS 