People You Knew in High School Who Have Had Much, Much More Sex Than You: Heather “Buffy” Buffington

That born-again Christian. “I plan to save myself for marriage,” she liked to say. “I’m not going to cheapen God’s gift of physical love.”

In 2001 at age 27, she married her longtime boyfriend and fellow born-again Christian, 29-year-old Stephen “Preacher” Beecher. They were still virgins. Due to what she considered a shared and equal lack of interest, they never consummated their marriage, which lasted eight months before he ran off with the local periodontist, 41-year-old Dr. Morris “Google” Dornsife (a Unitarian), and filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.” A month later, she signed the divorce papers. The next day, she lost her virginity at work, in her office, on her desk, to 35-year-old Adam “Bomb” Grutenstein, a married coworker she’d suddenly started lusting after half an hour earlier when she’d invited him in to review the company’s latest quarterly report. They had on most of their clothes during sex. He used a condom from the three-pack she’d bought on a whim two months earlier at the drugstore and hidden in her briefcase. She didn’t think he could tell she was a virgin; she augmented her orgasm by writhing and moaning like the women in those late-night European softcore films she’d stumbled across alone on cable TV a few dozen times during her marriage, plus she’d lost her hymen already anyway in a bicycling accident at age 14. After having sex that one (and so far only) time, she and Mr. Grutenstein started avoiding each other by unspoken agreement. Today, she spends her $700-a-month alimony on Jewish (or at least circumcised) male escorts. She doesn’t know or care if her ex-husband’s still a virgin.

December 13-15, 2003

Copyright ©2003 by David V. Matthews

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